


Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

by sirtalen



Category: Mystery Science Theater 3000, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
Genre: Gen, Screenplay/Script Format, Silly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-01
Updated: 2017-05-01
Packaged: 2018-10-26 13:50:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10787955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirtalen/pseuds/sirtalen
Summary: My attempt to do a modern version of this 1964 "classic". Because *everything* is being remade these days.





	Santa Claus Conquers the Martians

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (2017)**

**By Royce Day**

 

 

 

**Dramatis Persona**

Santa Claus   (Beloved Mythological Figure)                 John Goodman

Mrs. Claus     (Beloved Wife of Same)                              ?

King Kimar   (the King of Mars)                                        Liam Neeson

Queen Aelita            (the Queen of Mars)                                     ?

Bulmar           (a Villain)                                                      ?

Hargo             (a Henchman)                                               ?

Dropo             (a Savant)                                                       Ellen DeGeneres

Grandma       (a Grandmother)                                           Pia Zadora

Al Roker        (a Weatherman)                                            Himself

Robin Roberts (a TV Personality)                                     Herself

Bus Driver     (a Cameo)                                                      Mary Jo Pehl

First Cop        (another Cameo)                                           Michael J. Nelson

Second Cop   (yet a Third Cameo)                                     Kevin Murphy

Dr. Von Green (the Final Cameo)                                      Joel Hodgson

Pitch               (a Devil)                                                         Paul Chaplin

Billy                (a Charming Orphan)                                  ?

Betty               (a Second Charming Orphan)                    ?

Bomar                        (a Boy Martian)                                             ?

Gimar             (a Girl Martian)                                             ?

Torg                (a CGI Robot)                                                Andy Serkis

Torg                (a Toy Robot)                                                Andy Serkis  in a Cardboard Box

Pilot                (the Absolute Last Cameo, Promise)        Jonah Ray

 

**ACT ONE**

**SCENE ONE**

EXT, A SNOWCOVERED FARMLAND – NIGHT

 A helpful title card FADES IN

EARTH

(then)

MINNESOTA, USA

(then)

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23rd

(finally)

6pm (BEAT) -ish

 

 

PAN DOWN to a cozy looking farmhouse.  Several police cars are pulled out in front, lights flashing. GRANDMA is sobbing in hysterics in front of the two COPS.

 

FIRST COP

Okay, ma’am. Please try to calm down and tell us exactly what happened.

 

GRANDMA

They took them! They took Billy and Betty! Please, you have to find them.

 

SECOND COP

Who took them, ma’am?

 

GRANDMA

The Martians of course! They came down in a big green flying saucer and snatched them up right out of the backyard!

The two cops glance at each other with sad “We’ve got a nutjob” looks on their faces.

 

FIRST COP

            (disbelieving) The Martians?

 

GRANDMA

Yes! The Martians! Oh, don’t’ look at me like that! You believe in Santa Claus, don’t you?

 

SECOND COP

(very gently) Ma’am, Santa Claus is real.

 

 

**SCENE TWO**

EXT: ARCTIC BASE – NIGHT

TITLE CARD

24 HOURS EARLIER

 

TECHS finish fueling a bright orange Huey helicopter as AL ROKER and his CAMERAMAN climb aboard.

 

PILOT

            Okay folks, get yourselves strapped in. Ever been to the North Pole before?

 

AL ROKER

            (amused) Can’t say that I have.

 

PILOT

            Okay, just remember, no matter what happens, we’ll still be able to fly. All right?

 

ROKER

        (alarmed) What do you mean “Still be able to fly?”

 

PILOT

(laughs) You’ll see.

 

The helicopter takes off into the night sky, heading north towards pole and a brightly glowing Aurora Borealis.

 

PILOT

 Here we go! Hang on!

 

The glowing aurora envelopes the helicopter, making it glow inside and out. Roker and the cameraman let out cries of alarms as the helicopter transforms, changing into a life-sized wind-up tin toy version of itself.

ROKER

           How are we still flying?

 

PILOT

            (laughing) Christmas Magic, man!

 

EXT: Santa’s Workshop – Night

The toy helicopter lands in front Santa’s fabulous castle workshop. Roker steps out of the copter, tapping at its tin hull curiously. The massive wooden front doors open, and SANTA CLAUS comes out, looking jolly as always.

 

SANTA

            (laughing loudly) HO! HO! HO! MERRY CHRISTMAS!

He shakes Roker’s hand vigorously.

(cont. normal tone) Hello, Al. Haven’t seen you since the Thanksgiving Parade.

 

ROKER

Good to see you again, Santa. All set for your interview?

 

SANTA

Of course. Come inside out of the cold.

Santa leads Roker and his cameraman into his workshop, to a balcony overlooking a factory floor with hundreds of elves at worktables assembling toys. As the cameraman starts setting up, Santa pulls out a pipe and begins filling it with tobacco.

 

MRS. CLAUS

            (o.s.) Santa!

She rushes up, taking the pipe from his hand.

            (cont.) You should know better! There’ll be children watching!

 

SANTA

            (abashed) Oh, you’re right, dear. Sorry.

 

 

           

 

 

 

 

**SCENE THREE**

EXT: IN ORBIT ABOVE MARS  - DAY

A small space probe with an American flag on the side flies into the shot, its heat shield starting to glow as it enters the Martian atmosphere.

 

INT: MARTIAN CONTROL ROOM – DAY

We see the probe on the main screen, several MARTIAN TECHS at consoles monitoring its approach. KING KIMAR watches over the situation with concern, GENERAL BULMAR at his side.

 

BULMAR

(irritated) Your Highness, I can’t believe you’re letting another one of those primitive earthling probes land on our world.

 

KIMAR

They do us no harm, General Buldar. So long as our holographic shield remains in place, Earth has no idea Mars is inhabited.

 

BULMAR

We cower behind illusions, while invaders litter Mars with their space junk!

 

KIMAR

            (annoyed) Enough, Buldar!

Turns to a Tech.

            (cont.) What’s the status of the shield?

 

TECH

            The shield is still offline, your Highness.

 

KIMAR

            (alarmed) What? We need that shield online before the probe lands and activates.

He strides across the room to a dark control panel, where we see a pair of legs sticking out from an open access panel, LOUD SNORING audible from within.

            (cont.) Dropo! Dropo!

 

Dropo wakes up with a start, whacking their helmet on the edge of the panel as they emerge. Somewhere between Mr. B. Natural’s androgyny and Dory’s scatterbrain is the figure of the laziest… person… on Mars.

 

DROPO

            Oh, good morning Chief!

 

KIMAR

            What were you doing in there?

 

DROPO

            Well Chief, I got to thinking that it would be nice if I could improve the efficiency of the power relay conduits, so the shield would use less juice and I could use the extra power for the Mars Cream Maker. So I opened up the panel and got to work and well it was so warm and cozy in there that I…

 

KIMAR

            (cutting him off) Dropo, the Earthling probe has almost landed. We need that shield online now!

DROPO

  Oh, sure Chief!

Dropo reaches into the access panel and pulls out a breaker, looks at it curiously for a moment, then tosses it over their shoulder, and then pulls a replacement from their tool belt and sticks it in. They stand and flip on the power switch triumphantly.

Nothing happens.

 

KIMAR

   Dropo!

 

CLOSE UP of the control room’s main screen. The probe is now sitting on the Martian surface, a huge green, modernistic Martian city in the background.

 

BULDAR

          Dropo, you lazy moron!

 

DROPO

     No, no! I got it!

Dropo kicks the control panel, which finally lights up.

 

EXT: MARTIAN SURFACE – DAY

The probe’s camera mount rises up. As it turns to do a 360 degree scan, the city fades away to an innocuous image of an empty field of rocks, just in time.

 

INT: MARTIAN CONTROL ROOM – DAY

Kimar sighs in relief as the city disappears. Dropo look triumphant. Buldar just glares at them.

 

DROPO

            Problem solved! Everything is okie-

Sees Kimar and Buldar glaring.

            (cont. weakly) –dokie.

 

KIMAR

            Dropo, why don’t find something to fix? Somewhere else _._

__

DROPO

            Good thinking, Chief!

Exit Dropo, Stage Left.

 

BULDAR

That fool almost revealed us to the Earthers. We should have just blasted their ridiculous little probe out of our sky, instead of being dependent on that idiot, Dropo.

 

KIMAR

Dropo is a remarkably intuitive and competent engineer. I will admit that they have certain, shall we say “difficulties” with social interaction, but given they created the Holographic Shield in the first place, I will not have you insult them. Furthermore, blasting probes out of the sky will only draw the Earthlings’ attention. I have no wish to initiate hostilities with their planet.

 

BULDAR

          No, you’d rather cower behind an illusion than confront these invaders!

 

KIMAR

            A handful of scientific probes are hardly an invasion, Buldar.

 

BULDAR

These probes are just the beginning! What are you going to do when they send a manned mission here?

 

KIMAR

            Then we will greet them as honored guests.

 

BULDAR

You would have us kneeling before them! Mars is the God of War! We should show those Earthers what that means.

 

KIMAR

(growing irritated) The days of war are long past, General Buldar. Do not forget your rank is merely ceremonial.

 

BULDAR

Now it is. In times past it was a position authority, of respect. When every Martian dreaded speaking the words, “I surrender!” But you would have us give up our sovereignty without a fight!

 

KIMAR

Enough, Buldar. We will speak no more of this today.

He walks away.

 

BULDAR

            (muttering darkly) Today.

 

 

**SCENE FOUR**

INT. KING KIMAR’S PALACE –EVENING

KIMAR enters through the doors to a Jetsonian version of an elegant home. QUEEN AELITA awaits, rising from her seat to bump helmets with him warmly.

 

AELITA

            Welcome home, Kimar.

 

KIMAR

            Hello Aelita, my love.

 

Aelita sees the tired expression on his face.

 

AELITA

            Let me guess: General Buldar? Dropo? (BEAT) Both?

 

KIMAR

   (flatly) Both.

He sits down in a lounge chair wearily.

            (cont.) Buldar wants to invade Earth because its governments keep dropping probes on us, and Dropo is, well, Dropo.

 

AELITA

         (nods in sympathy) Try to relax.

She lifts up his helmet, revealing his exposed brain (now you know why they need those helmets!), and starts massaging it with her fingers.

 

KIMAR

            (sighing in pleasure) Oh, that feels so melon sine-wave. (laughs) Mind my speech center!

 

AELITA

            (smiles) You have a lovely Broca Area. (shifts her fingers) Not to mention your Nucleus Accumbens.

 

Kimar’s eyes roll back and he makes a happy noise. This pleasant scene is interrupted by the entrance of GIMAR and BOMAR. Aelita primly puts Kimar’s helmet back on as the children approach, both the youngsters moving and speaking a little robotically.

 

KIMAR

            Hello, Gimar. Hello, Bomar. How are you both doing?

 

GIMAR & BOMAR

     (unison) Hello, Father.

 

GIMAR

            Father, may we watch Earth programs tonight?

 

BOMAR

            Yes, we like them very much.

Kimar and Aelita share an uneasy glance, and Aelita nods her assent.

 

KIMAR

         For a short time, yes.

The children turn on the room’s view screen, and the Today show appears.

            (cont., quietly to Aelita) Are you sure we should let them watch these foreign shows?

 

AELITA

            (also quietly) It’s the only thing that seems to give them any pleasure these days.

 

Kimar nods grimly, and they sit down near the children, who stand ramrod straight, watching the screen.

 

ROBIN ROBERTS

         And now we cut to Al Roker, coming to us live from the North Pole.

 

INT: SANTA’s WORKSHOP – DAY

 

ROKER

Thanks, Robin. Hello everyone. I’m reporting to you live from the North Pole, bringing you a very special interview with one of the world’s most beloved mythological figures, Santa Claus! How are you today, Santa?

 

SANTA

            Oh, busy, busy, busy! Tomorrow is Christmas Eve and we’re busy as beavers here.

 

ROKER

      Will you be ready on time?

 

SANTA

We’ve never missed a Christmas yet! Don’t worry Al, everything will be raring to go, right at Midnight like it has every year.

 

They begin walking down to the toy shop floor.

 

(cont.) This is where it’s all put together. Dollies, wooden trains, blocks for the younger kids, and all the electronic gizmos the older ones love. (chuckles) All manufactured under license of course.

 

ROKER

            Santa, what do you have to say about people who say you’re no longer relevant?

 

SANTA

Relevant? Spreading Christmas cheer and making children happy is my job! I’ve been doing it for four hundred years, Al. Children the world over will always need toys, and as long as they do, I’ll keep on delivering them!

 

ROKER

Well folks, you heard it from the man himself. Kids, if you’re watching, make sure you’re staying on Santa’s Nice List, ‘cause it’s only two more days until Christmas!

 

INT: KING KIMAR’S PALACE – EVENING

The viewscreen turns off. Bomar and Gimar turn towards their parents.

 

KIMAR

            Did you enjoy the Earth program, children?

 

BOMAR

   Yes, Father.

 

GIMAR

            I wish we had a Santa Claus on Mars.

 

KIMAR

        (nodding) Sometimes I wish we had one as well.

 

BOMAR

        We’d like to start our rest period now, Mother.

 

AELITA

        Rest? But you haven’t had your dinner.

 

GIMAR

       We’re not hungry.

 

KIMAR

       But you need your nutrient mass.

 

BOMAR

           We’ll eat before our learning period tomorrow. Good night, Father

 

GIMAR

Good night, Mother

 

Both children exit, leaving Kimar and Aelita looking very disturbed.

 

KIMAR

Aelita, have other parents spoken to you about their children?

 

AELITA

Yes, and it’s much the same as Bomar and Gimar. They wake up, go the Learning Center, and then come back home and sleep. Nothing more.

 

Kimar nods grimly and waves his hand in front of the viewscreen. Santa’s interview reappears and rewinds a bit, then plays the “Spreading Christmas cheer and making children happy is my job!” line.

 

KIMAR

Computer, pause recording! That’s our answer, Aelita.  Santa Claus’ purpose is to spread joy and make children happy. If he can do it for Earth’s children, surely he can do it for ours!

 

AELITA

You mean kidnap another planet’s beloved mythological figure? Kimar, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

 

KIMAR

            Desperate times call for desperate measures, Aelita. We fly to Earth tonight!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I changed Momar to Queen Aelita, so she'd be named something slightly more dignified, and also riff off the classic Russian silent sci-fi movie "Aelita, the Queen of Mars".


End file.
